Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

…żyje?

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

My recliner and I go way back

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.