I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.