I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!