I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past