I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Siri: Retweet me.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
#ParentingFacts
me when I see my crush
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep