Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Me: have a great eye for detail

Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.

Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.

My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?