I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
pizza
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face