I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?