I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
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*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My time has come.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
become ungovernable
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?