I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You Might Also Like
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–