I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess