Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

This could’ve been an email.