Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go