Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!