Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#oldknees

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*