I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.