I still believe in love.

But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery.

So there’s that….

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I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.


[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”


I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.


“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes


I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.


By all means, have your opinion. It’s how we tell just how dumb you are.


My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*