If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You Might Also Like
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*