I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Its true…
Had an epiphany today.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?