Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Pizza is an emotion right?

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Erm I’m gonna say no

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

the prophecy has been fulfilled

But is it really??