I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.