I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can