Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.