I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?