I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once