Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.