I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.