Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

as the prophecy foretold

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

According to math, I’m broke

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

eating my hot dog hamburger style