i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
a public service announcement
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Lube but for my dry humor.
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.