Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.