Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Well, shit

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today