Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

i’m gonna allow it

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.

You better wish for more oil

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.