I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers