I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too