I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now