I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
It’s the weekend y’all
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga