Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best