I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.