I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My dress code is business-casualty.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it