I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
What flavor cupcake are these
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.