Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.