I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Gods work.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
necessity is the mother of invention
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot