Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
You Might Also Like
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Pretty much. 🤣
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot