Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work