Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.