I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
boat question
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer