I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.