I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure