Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

I hope they boil the right one.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

bought wrong eggs

[house hunting]

Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy

HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

This is my brand.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.