I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
For when Tinder doesn’t work
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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”