I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
wait a minute….
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’