I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
You Might Also Like
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.