Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

sin harder.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

If looks could kill

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.