I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
