I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.