I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”