I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
For real 🤣
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.