I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?