I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie