Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?