I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You Might Also Like
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.