I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
