Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’