Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

indiana??? now they’re just making up states

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

✨☝️✨

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.