I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
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Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.