Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

ME: let me be frank

DAD: [eyes widen]

ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed

DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.