I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big