I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
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My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Cinematography is my passion
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please