Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

🤣🤣🤣

#DesignFail

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Mistakes were made

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel