I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m about to risk it all
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀