I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
This is what makes twitter great
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
the last thing a carrot sees
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.