I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
