I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
out-housing market appears to be strong
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.
