Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”