Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Things will get butter, keep churning

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

What kind of a cult is this?

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.