I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

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White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it


I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes


[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.


I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun


The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.


Think about how many variations of apple there would be had they not mercy-killed the pineapple guy before he could name more fruits