@IamJackBoot

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

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@therepoguy

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

@AndyAsAdjective

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

@YUCKYBOT

You know what they say? Once you go white, you’ll rob the world of it’s resources and murder indigenous peoples.

@drearydoug

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

@hipstermermaid

I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

@IamJackBoot

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

@ElgatoEsmio

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

@LogicLaughs

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.